If iPhones are the opioid of highly-addictive consumer drugs—I mean, tech—then AirTags used to track our children are probably some sort of tech-fueled entry drug of sorts. Looking at it slightly less destructively, AirTags are kind of like innocent-looking seeds—you plant them inside your kid’s stuff one year and a couple short years later, the fruits of this tree are iPhones, smart watches and overpriced bluethooth headphones.
I’ve spoken to a number of parents recently who have taken the step to track their children using these AirTags. I’m sure there are many cheaper alternatives that sell on Amazon or AliExpress, but since Apple is the big dog in the room, we’ll turn the spotlight on its pricey offerings. When I say pricey, I’m not joking. One AirTag—which is probably the size of a quarter, will set you back $30—absolutely unbelievable—but why buy one when you get four of them at a bargain basement price of $99?
Again, unbelievable.
One such discussion with a parent was very revealing. The person became instantly defensive—almost as if they were being judged for spying on their kids. Later the person revealed that it was a small price to pay to feel a sense of relief knowing that they’ll know the location of their children in the event of an emergency. Where exactly are elementary school children going to go during school or even during an emergency? I mean, kids don’t start ditching classes at least until they are in high school! As for kidnappings and school shootings, I have a feeling the probabilities of such tragedies occurring are going to be extremely rare. Now, if the AirTag had the ability to protect my child from rapidly flying bullets coming out of an AR-15 rifle, that’s a whole different issue. But they don’t. They simply sit there and transmit data to the cloud, informing me of my child’s location—or more specifically, the location of my child’s backpack. Nothing else. I can’t even talk to my child through an AirTag, but we’ll touch on this later.
Apple’s marketing video to help sell the AirTag to its anxiety-prone consumers doesn’t necessarily suggest spying on kids or potentially adulterous partners, but it’s far more innocent. Wants an AirTag for your work backpack?—maybe your bike and…and…how about that umbrella?! Really? Who the hell wants to spend $30 device on finding their $5 umbrella? Ok, I stand corrected. If you’re spending $30 on AirTags, you are probably skipping in the rain with an umbrella that costs at least $100 (or more). But still, why would you keep your presumably expensive umbrella hidden away where you need an AirTag to find it? If I’m spending that much for an umbrella, I want my guests to see it, damn it. Ok, I digress.
Back on the AirTag train, I think it goes without saying that Apple’s AirTag is simply another ruse to get people to buy more stuff. It almost seems like a bad joke from the Apple engineering department and some marketing guru simply ran with it. If simply an AirTag wasn’t enough for you, then maybe you’re in the market for an AirTag Hermès? As expected by the brand name, these items are also not cheap and judging by their prices, they are probably not designed for the average Apple consumer. If you happen to be eating, be careful not to choke while reading these prices. An AirTag Hermès Bag Charm for your designer handbag will cost $299, while a AirTag Hermès Key Ring will run $349. I mean, what kind of net worth do you need to have in order to justify such a luxury? Then again, if you are catwalking around with a $5k handbag, then I guess $349 isn’t much.
Most kids probably don’t have AirTag Hermès Bag Charms hanging from their school backpacks, but I think the parents who are hiding AirTags in their Children’s backpacks and shoes are only waiting until their kids are old enough for an actual communications device like a smart watch or a phone. This is probably what marketing gurus at Apple are also banking on, so don’t be surprised if you start to think it will be a good idea to give your 5th grader a used iPhone so they can make phone calls “during an emergency.”
Ok, I think it’s time for me to use an AirTag to help me find an exit to these ramblings. My entire argument boils down to something simple. Kids are too young for such devices and their poor parents are allowing tech companies to take advantage of their fear and anxieties far too easily. Falling into a tech-trap can not only be hazardous for your health, but also very expensive for you and your child’s future mental health. The last thing you want to put in your child’s hands at a young age (at least until junior or senior year of high school) is a cellphone. And as for what they will do “during an emergency?” How about asking your child to go to the school office and use the phone? Maybe in the process, they will learn that not all phones have pretty screens with colorful buttons, including ones that read “Mario Kart” or God forbid, “TikTok.”
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